Sometimes, when I think about it really hard… I can get my brain to move in my head. Then it hurts, so I stop.

Once when I was a kid, I killed a small child by falling on him. God, I’m glad he was there…

There was this guy in my neighborhood in New York who used to roller-skate around wearing a trash-bag and pinwheels on his head… he doesn’t do that anymore. I wonder what happened to him, did he just get tired of it?

If you pass gas into a big two liter bottle and save it for a year or so in a dark closet, it’ll still be good when you go to get it.

My cousin always drank a lot of water in the winter, mainly because his last name is Milkovich, and he always wanted to be ready.

Dichotomy is a funny thing, for example… naked is good… naked in a school crossing, not so good.

Urinal cakes are not a pastry… I just say this because I wish someone had told me first.

Since commercials are getting more explicit, I’m hoping that one day soon children’s programming will feature ads that deal with severe chronic rectal itch. Because kids shouldn’t have to suffer that, can’t we do this please? For the children?

I have always wanted to get a tattoo of my face, on my face. It wouldn’t be really noticeable, but I would appear more 3-D.

When I get old I want my grandkids to be able to say to people “Don’t get too close to him, because he bites people when he’s agitated.”

I have been thinking lately that there are an awful lot of months, weeks and days devoted to the celebration of someone or other’s culture. Whether it’s Black History Month, Latino History Month, Women’s History Month etc.

So I propose a history month for those to whose culture America has overlooked.

WHITE TRASH HISTORY MONTH

And here are some of the events I propose:

A PBS Film retrospective –

A look back at some of the finer moments in White Trash cinematic history.

Films will include a slightly re-cut version of “Deliverance” emphasizing the inherent goodness of the hillbilly rapists and an extended “mutant banjo player” scene.

The programming for this special month will also feature some of the finest amateur porn videos sent in by White Trash from all over the United States.

White Trash television programs will also be shown during this month. Televangelists and Hot Rod shows will be highlighted.

Libraries to feature White Trash literature –

A sampling of the contribution White Trash has made to the literary world.

Magazines like EASY RIDER and 4X4 to be prominently displayed along with incendiary pamphlets from some of the more militant wings of the Baptist church.

TV Guide will be required reading in schools.

Public readings of new leather hardbound editions of JUGGS magazine which will be broken down by an entire year’s worth of issues.

Special toilet paper bearing White Trash wit and wisdom will be featured in public buildings.

Honoring White Trash fashion –

CAT and JOHN DEERE hats will be issued to children, so that they may feel more a part of their White Trash brethren.

Wilbur Hogg, a 92 year –old man from Kentucky will sit in the Smithsonian Institution every day during this month, wearing only the pair of underwear he has worn daily since 1937.

People will be encouraged to go barefoot.

White Trash Family Life will be examined, some of the topics might include –

The benefits of rickets.

Living with only 19 pairs of chromosomes as a opposed to the “normal” 23.

Non-Bathing as a cultural statement.

The use of moonshine in the mating ritual.

Why some White Trash are now turning their backs on their heritage even up to purchasing mobile homes with six wheels instead of the usual four.

Old enough to bleed old enough to breed: a look at the advantages of a thirteen year old wife.

Why Johnny has no legs and three feet: a look at the ups and downs of inbreeding.

These are just some of the things I propose… our White Trash brothers have been ignored for too long.

A day in the life of President Bush:

7:00AM – Gets up, goes to TV to watch cartoons…
7:23AM – Gives up trying to figure out how to turn on TV, goes back to bed.
8:00AM – Awakened by personal valet. Fills bathtub with water and war toys.
8:02AM – Full-scale naval war!!!!
8:30AM – Calls Daddy… asks if he can be an astronaut yet.
8:31AM – Is told “no”…
8:32AM – Heads for Oval Office
8:33AM – Gets lost at end of first hallway, consults map drawn by Dick Cheney on his cuff.
9:42AM – Finally makes it to West Wing… having read map upside down, has spent most of morning in East Wing of White House after mistaking custodial closet for Oval Office.
9:45AM – Greets staff member. Is asked question about Pentagon…
9:46AM – Pentagon question misunderstood, becomes concerned that favorite Presidential “Pen is gone.”
9:47AM – Staff member attempts to explain misunderstanding.
9:52AM – Staff member changes tactics. Attempts to explain that a Pentagon is a shape, like a Hexagon.
10:00AM – Staff member still trying to explain that a Hexagon has nothing to do with Voodoo.
10:09AM – President now understands triangles. Still concerned over loss of pen.
10:15AM – Pen is brought to President. President rewards staff member who brings it with drilling rights to Alaskan Wildlife Preserve.
10:17AM – Enters sanctuary of Oval Office. Plays with desktop video game.
10:31AM – Resultant worldwide nuclear attack called off. VP instructs President yet again to “not touch anything.” Sulks… resolves to pee in VP’s beer at Memorial Day BBQ at Ranch. Eats breakfast burrito.
10:32AM – Makes prank phone call to Ranch to ask if they have any ranch dressing… Ranch staff goes along with joke.
10:35AM – Makes prank call to former President Bill Clinton, asks if Clinton knows where Prince Albert is…
10:36AM – Is instructed by Clinton on proper usage of Prince Albert joke… cannot understand why Prince Albert would be in a can.
10:45AM – Frustrated, Clinton hangs up.
10:46AM – Makes second prank call to Clinton, asks if his refrigerator is in a can.
10:46:01AM – Exasperated Clinton replies that YES, it is in fact in a can.
10:46:02AM – Becomes confused by answer, shouts out “well, come get it!!!”
10:47AM – Former President Clinton changes phone number.
10:49AM – Plays with “Little Executioner’s” desktop Electric Chair.
10:56AM – Receives nasty shock from “Little Executioner’s” desktop Electric Chair, decides to attack Tonga in retaliation. Picks up RED phone.
11:15AM – US Navy instructed to stand down by VP. VP once again instructs President to only use the phone with the Barney buttons on it when giving Presidential orders. Resolves to leave a “dookie” on VP’s doorstep, ring doorbell and run away.
11:16AM – Calls Barney…
12:00PM – Finishes sixteenth chorus of “I Love You, You Love Me”, is interrupted by daily briefing on possible pornos starring one, or both Presidential daughters.
12:11PM – VP instructs President on what to say at press conference later that day.
12:20PM – VP has heart attack.
12:30PM – Calls Atlanta Braves, offers to play center field for “nuthin”.
12:32PM – Phone call interrupted when VP returns from emergency medical treatment, finishes briefing President.
12:33PM – VP has heart attack.
12:34PM – Plays Hide and Seek with Secret Service. Told that behind curtain was “excellent hiding place” bursts with pride at own cleverness.
1:00PM – Eats lunch, complains that yet again kitchen out of Spaghetti-O’s, settles for Chef Boy Ardee Beefaroni.
1:15PM – Plays with NRA presentation .45-caliber pistol.
1:16PM - Accidentally shoots and kills intern.
1:20PM – CIA destroys all record of intern’s existence.
1:25PM – Calls Donald Rumsfeld, asks if we can bomb Wyoming yet.
1:40PM – Rumsfeld explains that Wyoming already belongs to United States.
1:43PM – Calls Barney, orders bombing of Wyoming.
1:50PM – Plays with office shredder, shreds copies of Bill of Rights thingy.
1:55PM – Pre-signs Enron Pardons.
2:00PM – Press Conference, explains why we should be bombing Wyoming.
2:15PM – White House Press Office issues statement that President’s comments regarding the bombing of Wyoming were simply examples of his “Earthy Humor.”
2:20PM – VP chastises President from ICU about press conference flub. Resolves to change VP’s nitro pills with M&M’s.
2:25PM – Break dances.
2:45PM - Receives medical attention for break dancing mishap.
2:55PM – Leaves big fart in empty cabinet room.
3:02PM – Goes back to cabinet room to see if fart still smellable.
3:03PM - Satisfied that fart has dissipated, heads for Oval Office. Gets lost…
3:45PM – Calls Secret Service to come get him from White House Motor Pool.
3:50PM - Decides to have someone take him for a drive.
3:55PM – Waits for Secret Service, after their arrival enters “really cool” Presidential limousine.
3:57PM - Leaves White House gates.
3:58PM – Moons Anti-Bush Protesters.
3:59PM – Secret Service congratulates self on having installed “moon proof” windows on “really cool” Presidential limousine.
4:15PM – Gets brilliant idea.
4:22PM – Stops at grocery store for supplies for brilliant idea.
4:30PM – Eggs Washington Post building.
4:45PM – Eggs VP’s House.
4:50PM - Watches TV in back of Limo, sees story regarding possible life on Mars.
5:00PM – Calls NASA, wonders if we should attack Mars. Asks about astronaut application, whether or not it has been processed yet.
5:10PM – Cuts NASA funding 23%.
5:15PM – Arrives back at White House. Calls kitchen to see if Keg Party for Ukrainian Ambassador has been arranged.
5:30PM – Changes into Yale Sweats for Keg Party.
5:31PM – Nintendo Time
5:40PM – Calls NORAD for cheat codes to Donkey Kong 4.
6:00PM – Attends Keg Party
6:10PM – Sings “Louie Louie” with Ukrainian Ambassador.
6:15PM – Throws up in Rose Garden. Gives Ukrainian Ambassador a wedgie.
6:22PM – Shows Ukrainian Ambassador top secret “Barney Phone” as a means of apologizing for wedgie.
6:30PM – Sings “Louie Louie” alone, forgets words…
6:36PM – Streaks through West Wing.
6:45PM – Eats Pizza, plays Nintendo baseball. Plays as Texas Rangers… loses to Florida Marlins.
7:15PM – Calls Chinese Premiere, pretends to be ordering Chinese Food. Asks if they have “Cream of Sum Yung Guy”. Laughs hysterically….
7:30PM – AP and UPI now reporting that President may have caused international incident with phone call to Chinese Premiere.
7:37PM – White House Press Office issues statement saying that “Sum Yung Guy” joke simply an example of President’s “Down Home Appeal.”
8:00PM – Final rigging of Florida 2004 election.
8:03PM – Random prank calls to Afghanistan… always ending with “Osama Yo’ Mama!”
8:31PM – VP has heart attack.
8:45PM – Takes big shit, saves biggest turd for VP’s front doorstep.
8:59PM – Watches scary movie about Giant Monkey who climbs Empire State Building.
10:30PM – Calls Donald Rumsfeld at home, wonders if Arab Fundamentalists have access to Giant Monkey.
10:31PM – Donald Rumsfeld assures President the only way to find out is to bomb oil rich Arab countries.
10:35PM – Orders Rumsfeld to proceed with Operation Giant Monkey Shield.
10:45PM – VP phones, congratulates President on the wisdom of Operation Giant Monkey Shield, does mention that we must not let it slip that Giant Monkey Program is suspected… hereafter, Giant Monkey threat to be referred to as Weapons of Mass Destruction.
10:58PM – Flushes turd intended for VP’s doorstep.
11:00PM – Changes into Superman PJ’s.
11:05PM – Goes to bed.
11:20PM – Calls Secret Service and asks that nightlight be brought up, along with two-dozen bananas to fend off possible Giant Monkey attack.
11:45PM – Goes to sleep… dreams of being first astronaut to attack Mars.

The other day I noticed something that disturbed me.

It was subtle, insidious, but somehow it was true… I had never really noticed it before, but there it was staring me in the face… Most homeless people are ugly.

And then, I got to thinking, why is that? Is it possible that our society is driving out the aesthetically unpleasing and forcing them to live in an underground community? Is it possible that ugly people are being discriminated against to such a degree that our burgeoning homeless population is a result?

Now, I don’t mean to make fun of the homeless or belittle their plight, or anything like that. Lord knows I have nothing but sympathy for these poor unfortunates who spend their lives in a daily struggle for survival. And, I am not just talking about the fact that they are dirty, or smelly… when you can’t bathe for weeks on end this is what happens…. Hell, there are pretty people who look like they might be pretty goddamned smelly, Christina Aguilera comes to mind. No, I am talking about these people at their basest level. These people are simply butt-ugly. And that is the group I am trying to give voice to here.

Think about it… have you ever been driving and noticed a homeless person and thought to yourself “damn, that homeless person is fucking hot! I would really love to have sexual intercourse with them for a few hours”. I’ll answer it for you. No, you haven’t...

I live in Los Angeles, and we have some of the most genetically and surgically enhanced pretty people in the world here. We draw them like flies… Pretty people out here are a dime a dozen, and I would be willing to bet that our homeless are more attractive than the national average… but the point is, they’re still pretty damn ugly.

It just strikes me that somehow there is a plot, either conscious or unconscious that is creating a hostile environment for ugly people. True, many ugly people overcome their handicap and lead successful lives. But, I’m talking about out and out discrimination…

“Well, Carlos what can I do about it?” Easy…the next time you have the opportunity, have a conversation with an ugly person. Make them feel wanted… give of your time and yourself… hell, have sex with them, they’ll be appreciative. They’ll think of you as the person who saw beyond their ugliness. They’ll surprise you with the kindness they offer in return… Sure, they might stalk you and force you to live in another state under an assumed name. But, you will have the satisfaction of having done something nice... for those whom America has forgotten.