Okay, once again the Tuesday night estrogen-fest is in full force here in the lovely San Fernando Valley.

Buffy taping on TV 2, and since it is in the death throes of its last season, I cannot watch it without girlfriend.

Weekly Gilmore presentation infecting TV 1 and is also being taped due to Manor House presentation which is being watched on 5-inch kitchen TV. (Leaving it unwatchable, unless right up on the screen.)

Most important show of the night now in TV limboland... the Lakers playoff game currently being played without benefit of my armchair coaching, which will of course hinder their chances for a fourth NBA title.

I need beer...

Today, I want to talk a little bit about family values. We hear a great deal about this from the right, so I feel like weighing in with what I see as the fundamental problem with this admittedly hot-button issue. Whose family are we emulating, and what are their values?

There are many families in America and throughout the world, but not all of them share the same values. So, I’ve taken a few values and broken them down according to families that have espoused these same values historically.

Family first:

The Medici - Well, what better family to emulate here than the Medici? These brutal dictators consolidated their power and ruled the city-states of Italy for almost two centuries through intimidation and force. Their devotion to the family name was unrivalled in their time.

Lucretia Borgia – Perhaps this woman and her family should be the one we choose to follow… her passion for incest, and the murder of family rivals was unequalled in history. She was also a devoted Christian.

Once there was a man who took children discarded and disaffected by society and he fed them, clothed them and taught them to stick by their family members no matter what. He made sure that each and every one of them knew that they had a place within that family structure, and their self-esteem rose as a result. They became more confident in their beliefs, and stood up for their family against all who would speak against them. His name? Charles Manson.

Love of God:

The Puritans – Here’s a group that was a “family” of sorts. They had struggled together through some of the harshest conditions ever faced by our ancestors. They had fled persecution in Europe, and crossed an ocean to find religious freedom. And, then they decided to exercise that freedom by executing a few of their number for crimes told to them by God Himself in the form of little girls who rolled around on the floor frothing at the mouth, truly devotion to the Holy Spirit if there ever was any.

The Conquistadors – Now here were some really devoted Christians. When people decided to disavow their version of the Supreme Being, they systematically wiped out entire races. Like most people in a really religious fervor, they were also seeking funds to carry out their missionary ideals. Mostly, they wanted to steal other peoples’ gold for God, well okay for God and because it’s really shiny...

Love of Country:

The Lunatic Fringe of the Right Wing - You have to love the idea that people are so incensed by Dixie Chick Natalie Maines’ comment that she was ashamed to be from the same state as Pseudo-President Bush that they would actually take the time to threaten to kill the Dixie Chicks. What a wonderful development… A national celebrity speaks her mind and people threaten to kill her based on her beliefs. Then again, they have a point. What good are all those guns if we can’t use them to blow away people whose beliefs contradict our own?

This group also includes all the guys in Montana who want to become their own countries. Yes plural… the country of Carl isn’t going to mix with the country of Hubert unless their wives make some sort of trade agreement. There was also a sub-group here that included Oklahoma City bomber Tim McVeigh, a Gulf War hero... who loved his country so much he killed a bunch of kids in day care, and innocent federal workers doing their thankless jobs to prove it.

(BTW to date, no fund like the one for the World Trade Center victims has been established for the Federal Workers in Oklahoma City. The WTC victims were largely overpaid execs whose families were compensated into the millions. The Federal employees, well they were just screwed… but hey, some of the families got a thank you and a flag from our benevolent leaders...)

The KKK, The Neo-Nazis, and The Skinheads (Heretofore called The Klan) – Another great “family”, that also falls under the aegis of “religious” organization. Yes these fun-loving moppets have done more for the cause of racial division in this country than almost any other. They fear that their beloved nation is beset on all sides by groups who would tear it to pieces, they include:

Blacks (Admittedly an obvious choice, but an odd one seeing as how it was the ancestors of those now in the Klan who brought Africans to this continent in the first place. To my knowledge no Africans were hitchhiking for rides on slave ships on the coast of Africa in the 17th, 18th, and 19th Centuries. Even though we had all those agrarian jobs waiting for them when they arrived, it is my belief that they would have preferred to remain unchained and unsold.)

Latinos (Another obvious for these guys. But once again, the Latinos wouldn’t be invading America so often if the part they were invading were still Mexico.)

Asians (Now things get sticky. Asians are a relatively new group in the US. But, the Vietnam and Korean “conflicts” taught the men of the Klan that the Yellow Menace was no less a threat than the brown one. Why just look at how they get into our colleges and bring up the grade point averages. No kids from Alabama are going to be doing that anytime soon.)

Samoans (Okay, I may be reaching here. But to my knowledge there are no really really white Samoans, so one has to assume that the Klan wouldn’t be too fond of them.)

Catholics (An odd choice considering these people invented oppression. But hey the Klan doesn’t discriminate… oh wait, yes it does.)

Jews (Well we all know that the Klan isn’t going to like a bunch of white people who have natural afros. But just what is it about the Jews that drives them up the wall? It’s that whole claim about them killing Jesus. But you see, the Romans actually killed Jesus. The Pharisees made it easy, sure; but it was really the Romans who had the responsibility for nailing him up… so they should blame and hate the Italians… oh wait, they already do.)

Muslims (Anybody who walks around wearing a sheet on his head is bound to upset the Klan. I mean let’s face it, that’s just not American… hey… wait a minute…)

Liberals (The mortal enemy of the Klan, people who believe in loving and caring for all of the people in the world. People who oppose the death penalty… without which there would be no Christianity.)

Hippies (Really just an offshoot of the liberals but they include braless women who want rights, and pacifists… can you imagine a Deep South without guns? Things might actually get integrated.)

Homosexuals (What these people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is the most abhorrent act that can be committed in the mind of the Klan. Unless of course we’re talkin’ lesbians. Pretty lesbians… Not those bull dykes… On tape…)

Women (These gals who are always screaming about being treated like human beings are really annoying to members of the KKK. You have to wonder what goes on in their sheet-encased little minds… “Braless, hairy legged, loudmouthed women with their own minds. Stop thinkin’ and start actin’ like women are supposed to act. Get pregnant and bring me a beer… unless of course we’re talkin’ lesbians. Pretty lesbians…”)


Just some things to think about folks… let’s get those family values up and running!!!!!!

Apparently, I’m a cultural relic…

That’s what I found out this week while reading a new book called the “Hipster’s Handbook.” I found that I am not “Deck” I am most definitely on the way to being “Fin.”

My look is outdated and my tastes run to extremes. I like what I like and I make no apologies or exceptions. I post no bills. So, without further ado, I state what I am for all to see.

I am 34 – Yes, I have hit my mid thirties… I do not lament this, I am wiser and my salt and pepper is coming in quite nicely. Soon I will revel in my George Clooneyness. Sinatra recorded “Live at the Sands” at 50, John Lennon recorded his last album at 40, and Jack Nicholson wiped up Adam Sandler at his current 60 +. Enough said…

I am not a clubber – I like clubs, but I like clubs that have a sense of history. I like a place where I can get a scotch and relax with some friends. Leopard skin walls are a plus. Clubs are about fashion… I’m about style.

My car is a tank, it was made before I was born. (Hell it was made before my dad was out of High School) I drive slower, and my insurance is lower. I spend that money on me… screw giving it to some corporate asshole.

My musical tastes have evolved to include a wide variety of the good, the bad, the new, the old and the just plain weird. Don’t touch my radio, and don’t complain… but if you look at me quizzically and ask, “what the hell is that?” Then I know I’m on the right track.

I wear what I want, when I want… Hawaiian shirts, vintage cabanas, an Armani suit… al the same to me.

I am not PC, deal with it or don’t… but, don’t preach to me.

I am ULTRA Liberal. Life’s too short to be an uptight money grubbing asshole.

I like dogs, and cats. I refuse to be pigeonholed into making myself a label.

I eat SPAM. I like it… if you don’t, hey great… more for me.

On occasion, I smoke… quit trying to legislate longer life. And yes, the tobacco companies are criminal. Dichotomy is part of life, get used to it and grow up.

I dig tattoos. I have one, I would like more… when I’m old, they’ll amuse me in their sagginess.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… I’m from Florida. New-age bullshit.

I think hippies might be on the right track, but I could never live like that.

I love the Beatles. Nothing compares… if you hate them, fine. But, get your head examined, that tumor could kill you.

I wish I could be more vegetarian. But, when it comes to burgers I’m a weak willed loser.

I am bad with my money, I make bad decisions, I am impulsive and disorganized… I wish I weren’t.

I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that EVERYONE is equal.

I believe wholeheartedly in my right to offend EVERYONE equally.

I have cool hair. It’s mine, I get to define it… not you.

I like video games.

I collect stuff that others regard as junk.

Film, Film, Film…

Anne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else.

I am a Yankees fan.

I am a Lakers fan.

I think we should all be more like Dean Martin.

I have the feeling the Devil is God’s favorite comedian.

I think Mexican food might just be perfect.

Beavis and Butthead are funny, so is South Park. Saturday Night Live is not.

John Belushi was a genius.

Andy Kaufman was a genius.

Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, Jonathan Winters, Lily Tomlin, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Imogene Coca, Sid Caesar, Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy, Keith Moon… all geniuses.

Carrot Top… not even funny.

I think the Olsen Twins and SARS belong in the same category.

I have always liked Ozzy.

I hope to be a good father…

I succeed on my own terms. Or not at all…


All of these things and many more are part of me. But, like I said, I have now become culturally irrelevant. Ironically, nothing could make me happier.

Today the media asked the US military the question that is on everyone’s lips… where is Saddam, or even Osama? The military was at a loss to explain why it could not find the former president of Iraq or the most wanted man in the world, but it offered up some of the things it has found in the desert outside of Baghdad and in the caves of Afghanistan:

The Lindbergh Baby

Flight 19 (They were not eaten by the Bermuda Triangle, they were just “really really lost” according to Donald Rumsfeld)

Bigfoot

The secret of George Bush’s appeal

The Donner Party

The crew of the Marie Celeste

Two gay Yetis

An old tire with the face of Jesus on it

Amelia Earhart’s pants

Tammy Faye Bakker (Returned to hiding spot)

Kathie Lee (Also returned)

A really cool hat

73 cents (American)

Donald Rumsfeld’s wallet

Keith Richards

A Fantasy Island script

Mtv’s Spring Break

A cache of Yanni and John Tesch cd’s (Destroyed with extreme prejudice)

A squad of really confused Civil War re-enactors

Trojan Man

Walt Disney (Frozen)

Dick Cheney’s tax return

The Munchkins (report not confirmed, could be due to dinner of expired k-rations left in sun)

A guy who really really looks like Jamie Farr

The Smoking Man

A tricked out 51 Chevy with the license plate SDMS RIDE

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

A bunch of free oil!!!!!!!!!

Seems my muse still has a few things left to say. Here is my version of what Georgey boy should have said to the Iraqi people in his first address to them today. Enjoy...

My fellow Ameriraqicans,

Today I speak to you from the White House in Washington DC, my name is President George Bush… not the one who bombed the living hell out of you a long time ago, but a new one. The first one was my daddy, and he sends his best regards to you.

You are now free of the brutal regime that has oppressed you for so long. We know you have suffered greatly, and I want to personally tell you that that suffering is coming to an end, brought to you courtesy of American military might with no help from the United Nations, France, Germany, the King of Tonga or anybody else; because apparently a lot of them thought that you people would rather live under Saddam Hussein, than die and be free. And I’m here to tell ya’ll, that you are now free. No longer will you be forced to look at statues of Saddam Hussein in your towns and villages, no longer will these statues plague you as you leave your huts to go about your daily business. The people who have oppressed you with these statues are no more. We think. We can’t exactly find them. They might be in Syria. But don’t worry; maybe we’ll free them too. The Syrians. Not those fellas from the statues. We don’t want to free them. They might tell everybody about how good ol’ Donald Rummyfeld and Daddy helped them build those statues in the first place. Y’all remember when you were in that fight with them Iranians? Well, it was Daddy and Rummy that helped y’all kick their butts, but to do that we had to give ol’ Saddam some hardware. But that’s another story.

Now I know that some of you may be asking, just what does all this freedom mean for me? Well I’ll tell you. Baseball. Baseball is a fun sport. I like it a lot. I used to own a bunch of people who played baseball. They’re called the Texas Rangers. Well, to be honest, I didn’t own the people, but I did own the uniforms they used to play in. Basically that was a gift from my Daddy. He likes giving things to people. Just ask Saddam. Just kidding… But now y’all will be free to enjoy things like baseball… and food. Hell I know y’all have been starving for years over there. And that was Saddam’s fault too. You see he tried to take some oil that we needed to run our Lincoln Navigators, so we had to kill some of your family members to make sure that didn’t happen. Then we had to make sure that we punished Saddam Hussein so that he wouldn’t try that again. That was why we had to stop shipping food to y’all, and it worked… we’re sorry some of you starved to death, but don’t you think Saddam looks skinnier now than he did back then? I do… Anyway, we’ll send you guys some food soon. I hope y’all like grits. I sure do.

The other thing y’all are gonna have soon is Democracy. That means you can vote. Voting is fun. We do it here all the time. I think you’re gonna like that a lot. But rest assured that y’all will be able to elect your next leader. My brother Jeb is on his way to Baghdad right now to make sure you get a good friendly government. He has a lot of experience with elections. He runs one of our states here called Florida. And boy did he ever make our last election fun. One time though, it got to be too much fun and some of Daddy’s friends had to step in a make sure that the fun didn’t get out of hand. I thought Jeb was gonna get a trip to the woodshed for sure. But he didn’t. Daddy calmed down after the inaugural. Once I took that oath thing, he and Uncle Dick Cheney were a lot happier. Then I got this big office, and Uncle Dick helps me out every day with my job. It was his idea to come and free y’all, so you can see he is a nice man. Some of his friends are coming over there to help you guys too. I only know one of their names though… some guy named Hal Burton. Uncle Dick says that Hal Burton paid him a lot of money once, so I guess ol’ Hal is just a really nice guy, I hope he helps you guys out a lot. I know he’s real interested in helping you guys with your oil problem. Daddy says you guys have a lot of oil. Uncle Dick says you guys actually have too much oil and y’all don’t know what to do with it. He says Hal Burton will know exactly what to do with that oil, so y’all should listen to him, okay?

Another thing you guys are gonna like is this freedom of expression thing. We have that here too. You can say anything you want… well almost anything. We used to be able to say a lot more here, but then some of you guys came over and knocked over a couple of our buildings. That wasn’t nice. That was a real busy time for me. I didn’t see Uncle Dick at all… the secret service hid him real good from you guys until the danger passed. For some reason, they thought it would be better for me to stay in the public eye. I guess it’s because my job is so important. It was fun, I got to fly around on my plane and tell everyone how bad I felt. We were scared though, I mean what if one of you guys had one of them nucular bombs that the Russians lost? That woulda been nasty… Boy, I sure am glad that Daddy and Uncle Ron helped wreck the Soviet Union. They were communists. And they had complete control over them nucular things. But, now thanks to my Daddy and some other great men, no one has control over them damn things. Hell, we don’t even know where they are anymore.

Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time, I know you’ve got bigger problems right now what with all them limbs and family members missing and what have you. So, just remember… it was America that brought you this freedom. I’m sure some of your friends around the Middle East are looking at what happened in Iraq in shock and awe. They’ll probably never forget what we did here either. God Bless Ameriraqica, let’s roll.

Lately, a few people have upbraided me about my beliefs… I have tried to keep my blog free of political commentary for one reason and one reason alone. I am a comedian; it is no more my place to tell people what to think than it is the place of the media, the politicians, the guy next-door etc. But, this one time I will spell out what I think so as to leave no uncertainty.

I believe in peace. The war that we are currently engaged in is in my view unjust, and unwise. I believe that the men who currently sit in power in this country seized that power through nefarious means, which were designed to supplant the will of the majority of the American people and further their own ideological and personal financial agendas. I believe that the man who currently calls himself the President of the United States is nothing more than a former Governor of Texas… who would still BE Governor of Texas, but he resigned that post and should now be nothing more than a private citizen, like me. I believe that Donald Rumsfeld should explain to the world why he is now so gung-ho to kill his former best friend Saddam Hussein. I believe he should explain to the world why he insists that the United States is POSITIVE that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and then explain why we gave them to them in the first place. I believe that Syria is probably next. I believe that the terrorists we yearn to protect ourselves from have just increased their support in the Middle East without ever having to leave their caves. I believe that there is no greater threat to our freedom and our liberties than the men who currently sit in power in our hallowed halls making laws like the US Patriot Act which is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at creating a draconian United States where dissent is viewed with suspicion at best, and as criminal at worst. I believe that people with guns kill people. I also believe that people with knives are easier to outrun. I believe that if guns are outlawed only criminals will have guns. I believe the men in power are those criminals. I believe Tony Blair has been a massive disappointment. I believe that the worst thing to befall America in the last twenty years isn’t 9/11, AIDS or teenage pregnancy, it is the corporatization of American culture by greedy men whose only purpose is to enrich themselves at the expense of EVERYTHING we hold dear. I believe the Detroit Tigers still play in TIGER stadium, not COMERICA Park. I believe that one day the New York Yankees will be known as Chase Manhattan’s New York Yankees and will play at Direct TV Stadium in the Borough of Amway’s Bronx. I believe the children are our future. I also believe we have let them down and that future is grim. I believe in dogs. I believe in cats. I believe that we are killing the planet, and that if we don’t stop soon… it will fight back and kill us. I believe in the space program. I believe in the men and women of the Armed Forces. I believe that our primary concern should be preserving their safety, seeing as how their primary concern is preserving ours. I believe the Dixie Chicks were right to be ashamed. I believe that I am right to be ashamed because I come from Florida. I believe ignorant people booed Michael Moore, but that the cowards in the audience who secretly supported what he said and were silent were even more ignorant. I believe Michael Moore is right. I believe that flag burning is wrong, and that if they ever pass a law saying that I can’t burn a flag as a means of expression, it is my moral obligation to do that very thing no matter how much it pains me to do so. I believe in the US Constitution and The Bill of Rights. I believe those currently in power need to re-read both. I believe they might also want to take a look at the Declaration of Independence and the reasons behind that document. I believe that Capital Gains Taxes are good for the majority of Americans. I believe the majority of Americans don’t have much in the way of Capital Gains to tax. I believe we are currently at the mercy of Robber Barons who raid our coffers and exploit our blood while keeping us at bay with harsh laws and empty platitudes spoken to swelling music on CNN, which I used to believe was a news channel before it became a GOP trailer for Coming Attractions. I believe the media is both liberal and ultra conservative. Liberal reporters and ultra conservative owners who control what is broadcast, when it is broadcast and who broadcasts it. I believe Texas and Florida kill innocent people. I believe the chance of being killed by Texas or Florida greatly increases based on the color of one’s skin and the economic status of the person in question. I believe there are some good lawyers. I believe both OJ and Robert Blake are single because they killed their wives. I believe we secretly like tragedy in this country because it makes for good television. I believe the Revolution will not be televised. I believe women are mistreated by our patriarchal society. I believe that some women’s rights groups do more to further that hurt than help it. I believe in the better angels of our nature. I believe the Bible was written by men. I believe Jesus died for his belief that he was serving the greater good of mankind. I believe that makes him special. I believe Ghandi was special. I believe Martin Luther King Jr. was special. I believe Malcolm X was special. I believe JFK was special. I believe JFK was nowhere near perfect. I believe in the grassy knoll. I believe the same people who were on the grassy knoll now use the fact that JFK was not perfect to dilute the message of his Presidency. I believe North Korea is a greater threat to my safety than Osama Bin Laden. I believe that the reason we don't speak out about that is that North Korea has no oil. I believe the Palestinians deserve a homeland. I believe in Israel's right to exist. I believe that fanatical religious beliefs have killed more people than poverty, disease and simple human hatred combined. I believe that Christians have been as guilty of the same terror they now decry from Muslims. I believe that Buddhists should never have to set themselves on fire in order to hold a mirror up to our own madness. I believe in the founding fathers. I believe in the founding mothers. I believe they were flawed. I believe slavery was wrong. I believe Lincoln wasn't a saint. I believe Lincoln saved us from certain destruction, and that that was his goal, not freeing anyone. I believe he was glad to do both. I believe that he was killed for both. I believe in the Beatles. I believe that Love is All we Need. I believe that John Lennon was a messenger. I believe we always kill the messenger. I believe in helping the homeless. I believe that America does not help the homeless. I believe that people who don't vote should not be able to take advantage of the services this country provides. I believe you have the right to not vote. I believe that the penal system is better served by helping, rather than hurting those in custody. I believe the US tortures people. I believe that there are many forms of torture. I believe in the ideals this country once stood for. And I believe we have belittled them. I believe those who now complain about the left's treatment of Bush are the same people who spent 60 million dollars to oust a legally elected president for a blowjob. I believe Nixon accomplished a lot in office. I believe Nixon was a crook, a liar and culpable in extending the war in Vietnam. I believe we will never know the truth. I believe we should always try to find out the truth, even at risk to our own safety. I believe a great many more things, but my space is limited. If you disagree, then that is a good thing… I believe you have that right.

Carlos Larkin

I have narrowed down my choices for an epitaph on my headstone should I ultimately decide to have one...

Here lies Carlos... He's Dead... We think.

Here lies Carlos... And he's not happy about it.

If you need to pee, please use back of stone.

Attention couples! Fulfill your morbid desires... screw on this grave.

Hi, my name was Carlos... I was pretty lazy... Guess I should've crossed that street just a tad faster.

Here lies Carlos... leave the flowers and fuck off.

So, here is my first new comedy offering in awhile... enjoy.

Sung to the tune of WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE by Bon Jovi:

It’s all the same
All the brand names have changed
Every day, it seems I’m working away
Another Day
And the freezer is so cold
I work all night
Then I go back home

Cuz I’m a stock-boy
On a shopping cart I ride
I’m wanted (wanted)
In Pet Supply
Wanted (wanted)
On aisle number five

Well I cruise the bread…
Cuz that’s where the roaches hide
The housewives I meet
You know they all stay satisfied
Sometimes you tell the day
By the dates of milk you keep
Sometimes when you’re alone
Behind the cereal you sleep

Cuz I’m a stock-boy
On a shopping cart I ride
I’m wanted (wanted)
In Pet Supply
Wanted (wanted)
On aisle number five

Well I walk around
My trusty price gun in my hand
Then I take my break
And read Playboy in the can
I’ve been everywhere
In this whole strip mall
I’ve seen a million cases
And I’ve stocked them all

Cuz I’m a stock-boy
On a shopping cart I ride
I’m wanted (wanted)
In Pet Supply
Wanted (wanted)
On aisle number five

Well, I am sorry to those who have checked back with this blog and haven't seen anything new in quite awhile. I just got re-hired at my job, so I have been SUPER busy. I will post some new material tomorrow. Once again we will all have a good laugh... eh?