Well folks... to those of you who have been keeping up with this thing, my apologies. I have been busy trying to make cash. So for you here is a new bit:
The most unpopular wars in history... timely huh?
The great Midget/Monkey Conflict of 1803
The 1657 War to Liberate a guy named Frederick
The War Between two counties in New Jersey
Hulk Hogan Vs. Georgia
Alabama fights all comers
The great Mexican Nigerian Conflict
The Wiffle Bat War of 1968
Well, I missed another day of posting, but this time I really do have good reason... you see, I joined the ranks of those who have benefited from the sterling leadership in our country yesterday. I became unemployed... due to the financial hardships facing us at this moment, my company had to lay off almost the entire production staff. The first to go were those of us at the highest levels, the writers,producers and editors. The administrative staff seems safe for the moment, but God only knows...
So here's my new movie idea:
Carlos makes a buttload of money and he and Anne move to Hawaii... the end. Cool huh?
Bigass Leroy Kicks Whitey’s Butt and then Takes His Shit
Damn! You is Black!
SuperPimp Vs. Krak-Ho: A Love Story
Nefertiti Washington Kicks Whitey’s Butt all over Hell and Half of Harlem
MuthaFucka Jones And Rufus Burn Shit and Fight A lot
MuthaFucka Jones II: More Burnt Shit, More Fightin’
Pimp-Stick Charlie Kicks Hos in the Butt
Kill Whitey, NOW!
Welfare Cheese Strongman
Big Black Cowboy lives in Old West, Beats Up Whitey, Takes his Cows... And Then Sexes Up His Woman!
Big Violent Afro Freakout
Ghetto Godzilla
Mr. Big Sells Cocaine to Kids
Whoopass Watson Burns Whitey’s Neighborhood, Steals His Car, Sexes up His Woman, Whoops His Ass, and Leaves him on the Long Island Expressway Nekkid as a Jaybird
Only one thing for me to say today... and I am ashamed to have to say it.
To the world at large:
I am truly sorry for the horror my nation is about to unleash on the world. Please do not believe that we ALL support this action... we are at the mercy of madmen who have the means to oversee everything within reason... and see nothing of reason.
Well, I didn’t get to post yesterday due to the fact that I am so busy with my life as an international spy/rock star. I know that I promised myself and you, dear reader, that I would maintain a weekdaily update of this tome. (Weekends I have off… read Ziggy) But duty called… I had to perform a mission in the service of our fine nation and also a heavy metal concert in some undisclosed foreign location. Suffice to say, that the mission was a success, and the heavy metal concert well received by the locals. (Although most of them live in huts and had no idea just what the hell my driving cover of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” was about.) So, I just wanted to apologize for having missed a day on this thing… but I would remind you that that once again I saved your skinny butts from destruction at the hands of the primitive hut people of the undisclosed location.
There are times, when I think I’m too cynical. That maybe, just maybe people aren’t what they always seem to be to my way of thinking. That I shouldn’t call people hideous names when they get in my way, that our lives are good and everyone around us is our brother. I start to get a great feeling inside when I do this, I feel warm and fuzzy all over…
Then I shave my head, and look to see just when they planted a dopamine chip in my brain…
Apparently in the world we live in, it is illegal to take one’s clothes off and roll around in the fruit displays at the grocery store. It is especially frowned upon to mash the softer fruits on one’s body and yell “avast ya swabs, attach a sail to the main-mast and we’ll be off in search of booty… ARRR” This is all well and good... I completely understand the need for this restriction. Society's rules are there for a reason, and I'm sure there's a very good one here.
But… COULDN’T SOMEONE HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME THIS EARLIER???!!!
To all those whom someone may have talked to tonight about my viewing habits.... YES I watched "Demolition Man" and I am not ashamed... well, only a little.
And I would like to say Happy Birthday to my wonderful girlfriend Anne, who is now 28 and not even remotely old.
I just want to clarify something for my reader. (Yes, singular, and thank you for reading Mom.)
I have been accused in the past of being somehow biased against albinos. For some reason, people assume that simply because I find them funny, I also have some sort of deeply ingrained prejudice against these unfortunate people. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Albinos are people who lack the pigment producing chemical melanin in their skin, hair and eyes. Subsequently, they have an EXTREMELY pale appearance heightened by their characteristic white hair and reddish/pinkish eyes. So what if they’re in league with the devil? This is no call to fear or mistreat them based on what they look like… no, it is in fact a reason to delve deeper into the causes of their evil nature. What brought them to this point where they have become synonymous with pain and suffering?
Which brings me to the midgets. Okay, I admit it… I live in constant vigilance and fear of these little bastards! Not because they’re short, (which they are, contrary to everything we have tried to ingrain upon them) but because these imps are the very key to the evils that plague mankind.
I think we can all agree with little debate that clowns are the devil’s children. And need I point out that midgets make up a disproportionately large segment of this insidious population? Of course not… it is well known throughout modern civilization that most circuses exist only to cater to their evil midget masters in the tiny car. (A cute trick I must admit, but with the fiendish capabilities inherent in being a midget it would not surprise me if some form of teleportation/transmigration were involved in getting them all in there.) And need I point out that midgets can easily convince most people of their seemingly benign nature? “Oh look honey the midgets are helping Dorothy…” (Those short minions of Beelzebub almost got her caught by the witch in case you don’t recall) “Behind every great man stands an even greater woman” it is written. Well behind every evil man… two midgets. Don’t be fooled, you can’t see them, they’re short... they hide.
I make no claim to have all the knowledge of the evil midget conspiracy to enslave the tall man and make him breed with small partners in order to create a genetic hybrid capable of destroying the time space continuum. I further do not have documentation to support the hypothesis that the Bigfoot creatures of the great northwest and the Yeti of the Himalayan Range in Nepal are nothing more than three extremely hairy midgets on top of one another in some big flip-flops attempting, in their own way, to intimidate the tall man away from areas being used for secret midget meetings where the progress of their plans to destroy the universe can be discussed. But, I would point out that it is well known that midgets the world over have infiltrated the secret intelligence communities of various nations and have supplanted the tall man’s agenda with their own. What else would explain the Bush administration's preoccupation with the so-called “Iraqi Threat” when the true threat to America, the midget conspiracy goes unheralded? Where is the UN resolution demanding that midgets not only stop wearing Laffro brand wigs to amuse us into complacency, but also and immediately grow taller in order that the tall American way of life be preserved for our children, and our children’s children?
I will return to this in a moment, I heard something in my kitchen….
I have come back. I have decided to change my mind about everything I have just said. I have decided of my own volition and without coercion from an outside party that my previous conclusions were incorrect. The tall man has oppressed the universe. The tall man is my enemy. The tall man has been unfair to the cause of the glorious little people’s army. The tall man is my enemy. I love the little people. The tall man is my enemy. The little man is morally superior to the tall man. The tall man is my enemy. The tall man exists only to serve the short man’s interest for this is the way God has seen fit to order the universe and it shall not be questioned.
Long live the glorious civilization of the short man.
Porno movies are not exactly known for their subtlety, and while thinking about that I tried to think of ones that might turn OFF a potential viewer… so here they are, the worst porno titles I could think of:
A pair of Siamese twins from China are raised by separate families and grow up not knowing each other. (Though both have the strange feeling that someone is watching them, which makes them a bit paranoid.) They spend their lives simply existing as peasant farmers until the day that Wang Ho Wang comes to town and slaughters their families for eating too much rice. The boys (Lao Tzo and Fang) escape into the woods where they finally meet after trying to beat each other to death with pine cones.
They enter the Shao Lin monastery dressed as a goat and find the great and ancient Kung Fu teacher Master Tang, who is busy teaching his concubines the “Sacred Mystery of the Copulation of the Shriveled Prune” In anger at having been surprised by Siamese twins dressed as a goat, Master Tang beats both boys senseless with his toe knuckle hair.
The boys, upon awaking, find themselves under the watchful eye of the Master’s least favorite concubine, the enormous Ho Fat. She has taken a liking to Fang and decides to teach him the “Mystery of the Monkey and the Incredibly Horny Elephant” and the "Seven Lessons of the Reed and the Amorous Hippopatamus" which traumatizes him beyond repair and leaves him with a lifelong stutter and a phobia of large shadows. Lao Tzo has simply passed out from the fear.
The Master then agrees to teach the boys Kung Fu in order to avenge their parents’ deaths. He begins their instruction by making them wrestle Ho Fat in a vat of peanut sauce. They attempt to subdue her using the "Divine Screaming of the Smaller Lotus under the Huge Boulder" and "The Fourteen Lessons of the Smashing of the Head of the Loving Rhinocerous with the Found Rock", these are found to be ineffective. They soon learn to overcome their fears and begin their instruction in the “Kung Fu of the Repentant Turtle”. After they have learned what they believe will help them in their quest they leave the temple after two weeks.
Woefully unequipped, they find Wang Ho Wang and commence battle with him in a grassy wood. They die horrible deaths…. Which can lead to a sequel, “Vengeance of Ho Fat”.
Today’s thought will be brief. I wonder if the puritan forefathers of our country ever mistook gas after a meal as a sign of the Devil. And, if so, did they ever burn anyone for it? They seem to have been fond of that activity anyway, and that might have given them a good excuse. If I could go back in time, I would plant that idea in their heads to make really religious people seem even scarier than they already are. Then maybe there wouldn't be so many of those fuckers on TV.
Believe it or not...
The words to the Island nation of Haiti's national anthem actually include "gonna build a raft out of inner-tubes and get the hell out of here..."
